dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
And my parents said I crawled through the house
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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