We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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