if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so let's talk penis.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
