My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
