Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
