my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
it's not cheating when I paid for it
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
