I hope mine doesn't look like that
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
