I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
