So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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