I should be sponsored by Trojan
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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