i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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