Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
