Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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