yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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