I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
