Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So vagazzling was a success
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
