He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize