pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I AM VODKA MAN
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
