so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
