Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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