Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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