Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
