Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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