I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize