Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
