saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
