official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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