Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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