Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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