Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize