i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
