My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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