its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
