i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
