i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
