dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
and you fell through a lawn chair
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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