Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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