You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
