I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
