I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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