Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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