just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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