I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
How does it feel to date your dad?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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