So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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