dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
