Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
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