Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
