I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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