I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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