Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
