sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize