Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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