After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize