The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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