and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
