I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize