I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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