That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
