lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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