she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
