I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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