so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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