he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
